If I asked you to share with me a time you experienced grief, you would most likely think about how you felt when a person (or maybe a pet) who was close to you died.
When we speak of grief, we think of death.
But what word do we use to portray the countless, more common, daily losses? How do you describe what you went through when your parents got divorced? Or when your partner broke up with you? How do you explain what you felt when you lost your job? Or when your family suddenly picked up and moved to another state?
What do you call it when you realize that your parents are not the mom and dad you so desperately wished they could be? How do you understand what you went through when you moved away from your hometown and life-long friends for college? How do you describe what you experienced when you or a loved one received a significant diagnosis?
Do we use the words Trauma? Maybe Pain? Sadness? Heartache? Devastation? Loss? Absolutely.
While all of these terms are appropriate ways to describe and understand what we endured, I suggest that we could also call it ‘grief’ or ‘living grief,’ a term coined by my mentor, Dr. Georgina Smith.
While grief is commonly used to explain a process when someone has died, as a therapist, I have come to believe that grief is also a process many of us go through when we begin to understand that an ideal, dream, or way of being has “died.”
Each individual’s journey through grief is incomparable, sacred, and unique. The purpose of this piece is to extend our understanding of grief so that we may provide a context or framework for our friends, family, clients, students, or what we ourselves may be going through. AND, if we can accept that this experience is grief, can we then also provide the same compassion, patience, and understanding that we give to someone who has lost a loved one? The purpose is to acknowledge that there are other experiences that we don’t have a name for, but analyzed under a microscope, I believe could have a very similar cellular structure as when a person is grieving.
While Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’ outlined the “5 Stages of Grief” – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in response to her extensive work with terminally ill patients, I have found in my work that these terms also apply to my clients who are experiencing “living grief.”
As a therapist who specializes in grief and works with many clients who have lost someone significant in their lives, I’ve also felt the pain in the young woman who shared that even though she has two parents who are alive and physically healthy, she feels like an orphan. I’ve heard the sadness in the mother whose child will soon be leaving their nuclear family to start a new one. I’ve witnessed the anger and disappointment when adults recognize that their life wasn’t as grand as they hoped. I’ve seen the anguish when people discover that their bodies no longer move or heal the way they used to, or that they no longer look young, or as they have watched their parents have grown old. I’ve sat with the helplessness of a family when one of its members was diagnosed with a significant illness. I’ve met the teenager who is heartbroken since his parents’ separation.
Often times, it has felt like I am witnessing these clients mourn. When I ask if they believe they are grieving, the room becomes still. Their faces soften. Their tone becomes more quiet. They may take in a deep breath. They sometimes begin to cry. Some smile and tell me they feel relieved. Why? Because they feel seen and understood, and now have words to capture and make sense of their experience.
Like the grief experience of death, living grief is real. We all experience it. We all are impacted by it. And while the feelings we experience may never fully leave us, we do evolve and heal over time, as we continue to learn to live in this new way of being.